Mmmm, Skandar Keynes…

I love the Narnia films for several reasons.  First, I always loved the Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe and I still even have a drawing we did in elementary school while reading the book.  Secondly, Edmund (Skandar Keynes) went from a whiny bitch I wanted to bless out in LWW to a sexy beast with the best one liners out of all the movie’s characters.  I wish we could have seen the personality transitions he made while he was King of Narnia.  Anyhow, as much as I love the movies watching Prince Caspian again on DVD made me notice certain things about the characters, which I will tackle one by one (coarse language and possible spoilers for the entire series will follow ):

Prince Caspian: “LOL I’m a fucking prince, therefore everyone should just adore me.  I can’t stand not having the spotlight on me, so these bastard Kings of Old better stand down.  Oh, and Queen Susan isn’t responding to my ultra mackin’ skillz yet; I better step up my game.”

I couldn’t help but laugh when he screams “HEY” at Peter for talking smack about his father.  It was quite possibly the manliest yell a pretty boy or Gary Stu could make, and believe me, it was far from great.  I feel like Caspian is one of those individuals who wouldn’t get very far in life without his looks, royalty or not.

Peter: “This time around I’m going to regress to a childish level that I didn’t even have in the first movie!  I finally get back to my kingdom after living like a crappy commoner for a WHOLE year and now this Telmarine thinks he can order around my people?  You got some ‘Yo Papa’ insults headin’ your way, bitch.  Oh, and once I learn my lesson and man up, I’m going to be banned from returning.  Isn’t that awesome?”

Apparently all the bickering between Peter and Caspian was made up for the movies, and it seemed like more of a hindrance to the plot.  I don’t even know why Peter acted like such a bitch.  The Pevensies obviously remember what happened in the 14 years that they ruled Narnia, so shouldn’t they have also mentally matured that much?

Susan: “C.S. Lewis is using me as his scapegoat and now Disney is forcing me to fall in love with Prince Wonderboy.  I hope you enjoy my bittersweet ending in this movie, because I’m going to want to slit my wrists by The Last Battle.  OH GOD, PLEASE CHANGE THE SCRIPT AGAIN MR. DIRECTOR.”

I actually hope they will change Susan’ role in the later films, because it’d be pretty shitty to let Peter back in Narnia after his immature rant spree while Susan gets left behind.  Oh, let me clarify further (highlight): left behind in a railway car with the dead corpses of her siblings and other relatives.  That’ll teach her to enjoy things like nylons, lipstick and invitations!  I know that C. S. Lewis isn’t mysogynistic since Lucy is shown in a good light, but Susan really gets the shit end of the deal.  The “romance” between her and Caspian was so crappy, too.  If you want to take it as a “I’m never coming back, so I might as well kiss a hot prince while I can”, then that’s fine.

Edmund:  “You’re going to let that Ice Bitch make me her whipping boy again?  Fuck that shit.  Just go and bicker among yourself while Lucy and I sit at the Grown-Up Table.   I’m by far the coolest character and probably the better swordsman but I’ll let Peter have a go since it’ll shut his whiny trap for a couple of minutes.”

It’s really like Edmund and Peter had their brains switched after LWW.  I mean, hell, Peter even allowed himself to be tempted by the White Witch before Edmund stepped in to kick ass like the suave man dish that he is.  Skandar is going to grow up to be a fine looking Brit.  I’d bitch about the lack of activity he was given in Prince Caspian, but he and Lucy pretty much have the next movie, The Dawn Treader, all to themselves.  Caspian will be there but hopefully he’ll keep quiet and leave the film to the real stars.

Lucy:  “I’m kind of a Mary Sue, but I’d be kicking ass if I was big enough to actually fight.  I’m smart enough to stay on the Jesus Lion’s good side and it’s pretty obvious that I have a thing for Narnians.”

Is it bad that Lucy and her dear little friend, Trumpkin seemed like a OTP to me?  Maybe it’s the height and the fact that Trumpkin’s already an adult.  But Mr. Tumnus is probably her fated lover since she was all heartbroken about the amount of time that passed between the year that she went back to London.

Aslan: “Hey!  I’m the Jesus Lion!  I’m the damn creator of Narnia, but I’m going to let children do my dirty work and watch thousands of Narnians die.  Why?  BECAUSE I SAY SO.  After all, things don’t happen the same way twice.  Why?  I DON’T LIKE DOING THINGS REPEATEDLY.  You should have known that you were supposed to aimlessly scour the forest until I show up at the best moment to look good.  You’re also supposed to believe in me unconditionally or your ass gets deported.  Isn’t Christia– oops, I mean Narnian theology fun?!”

Anyone else would call Aslan a dick if he wasn’t the Jesus Lion.  When Lucy asks whether or not she could have saved people if she had tried to find him earlier, Aslan’s just like “I’m going to dodge around answering that, but I’m implying yes”.  But why does he need people to come get him if he already knows what’s going on?  What is he, four?  You’ll earn your devotion when you own up to your overall duties.

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I think I’m going to try to get into the books again, just to see how different it varies from the films.  The Dawn Treader is apparently in pre-production, but Disney is being a bitch about budgeting and will probably pull out.  Hopefully things will stay on schedule since Walden Films (the ones who do the real work) are looking to make a deal with 20th Century Fox.  Which means when someone stabs someone else, there’ll actually be blood on the sword when they pull it out!  But seriously Disney, stop being such a whore just because you fucked up the release timing for Prince Caspian.  It’s your own fault that the second movie didn’t get as big of a crowd.  “OMG it’s going to go up against the Water Horse, we have to change the date!”  Really?  Does anyone even talk about The Water Horse anymore?  Good job.